Chicago Sun-Times BASEBALL Wednesday, September 24, 1997
Worshiping Cubs is a tough habit to break
Somewhere
along the way, I must have missed something. The
last-place Cubs play -their final home game of an abysmal
season, and the 30,000 fans in attendance give the team a
-standing ovation? I could understand a few whoops and hollers,
or a shout or two of "Wait till next year!"But a standing ovation? For what, exactly?For ensuring they won't lose 100 games this
season? For all the belly laughs they provided throughout
the season?For putting an end to the misery?If the ovation was to give Ryne Sandberg a
final curtain call, it would be understandable. But the
entire Cubs team returned to the field. And what did the
fans do? They cheered with a madness that only can be
indicative of their state of mind. They must be crazy.
All of them.Only in Chicago could this insanity occur, and
only at Wrigley Field, and only for the woebegone Cubs.Luckily, however, help is on the way. Ladies
and gentleman, say hello to Ed from Skokie.After 50 years as a suffering Cubs fan, Ed's making the break. No more staying up late to watch West Coast games. No more watching Cubs batting averages fall faster than Newt Gingrich's approval rating. No more tracking Cubs earned-run averages that rise faster than the Dow.
"I finally realized I can't take it
anymore," Ed said. 'I need help."You've heard of 12-step programs, haven't you?
Well, Ed's formed one for himself and his fellow
soon-to-be-former Cubs fans. He's determined to fight his
affliction but knows he stands a better chance of success
with a group effort."And maybe it also will make management
aware that you have to give fans a better product,"
Ed said. "You shouldn't be able to show a profit with a horrible product."
Amen, Ed. Amen."I have this feeling," Ed said.
"It's like, a player puts on a Yankees uniform, and
he becomes good. That same player puts on a Cubs uniform,
and he becomes bad. Then he takes off his Cubs uniform,
and he becomes good again."I hear you, my brother."It's like the Cubs' organization has a
country-club atmosphere," he said. "Wrigley
Field is a great place. They make their money, and
there's no pressure to perform. Fans in other cities
won't tolerate this kind of baseball. In Philly, they
don't take it. But in Chicago, people take it."Tell it like it is, Ed."I just don't want to deal with this Cubs
addiction anymore," he said.Can you feel his pain?Ed understands he'll have to take this day by
day. He's facing long odds. He knows he'll be in recovery
for the rest of his life.I, for one, fervently hope Ed is granted the
serenity to accept the things he cannot change, the
courage to change the things he can and the wisdom to
know the difference.Ed's 12-step group, Cubs Anonymous, needs
members to fulfill its mission. No Cubs fan can go it
alone and expect to make a clean break of it. Without a
support system, relapse is likely.It's time to look in the mirror, Cubs fans.
Ask yourself if you or someone you love needs help.
Perhaps you and your spouse are co-dependents. Perhaps
you're an en-abler to someone in your life. Think about
it.While you're at it, consider Cubs Anonymous'
12 Steps to Happiness, authored by Ed
(The
parenthetical explanations, not authored by Ed, are
provided as a public service.)
1. Admit that we are powerless over the Cubs
and that our lives have become unmanageable. (You need
help.)2. Believe that giving
up the Cubs can restore us to sanity. (For some of
you, that’s a qualified maybe.)
3. Make a decision to stop following
the Cubs as they exist today. (Get a life.)
4. Make a list of all the reasons we
must give up the Cubs. (No.1, they're stealing your
money. No.2, they’re stealing your money . .
5. Admit to ourselves and others
that following the Cubs must be wrong. (If everyone
else was jumping off a bridge, would you.)
6. We are entirely ready to stop
being Cubs fans. (Next on our agenda: world
peace.)
7. Humbly ask for help to give up on
the Cubs. (Wrigleyville bartenders will be happy
to oblige you.)
8. Make a list of all the reasons to
"lose" the Cubs. (Start with their won-lost
record.)
9. Make amends to remaining Cub fans
and wish them well. (Think how superior to them you'll
feel.)
10. Continue to reinforce our
decision to forget the Cubs. (By any means necessary.)
11. Seek other entertainment
to replace the Cubs. (Watch a Bears game! No, wait, I
take that back.)
12. Spread the word that
smiles have returned to our faces. (Double bonus: Cubs
management finally will get a clue.)
Remember. Cubs fans, admitting you
have a problem is half the battle.
For more information, cull Cubs
Anonymous at (847) 568-0670 or visit their website
at www.cubsanonymous.com.